I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize