This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
