I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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