i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
