I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
