I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
