Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
