I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize