On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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