the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
