she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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