I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
