It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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