I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
