yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
