I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize