yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
