I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
