Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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