a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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