So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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