So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
