Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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