Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
