im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
