Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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