3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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