I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
