I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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