When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
