Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
