well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
