i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
