I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
