I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
