I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
