it's too hot outside to masturbate.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
