I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
