I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
