Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
