She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
