we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
