I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
