it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
