my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
