I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
