meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
