Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize