oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
