Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
