I think my fart just growled at me.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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