I'm going to jail i love you
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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