First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
