If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
