I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
