I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize