Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
