I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize