now i know why i became what i already was.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We had sex on a dog bed..
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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