this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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