Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
