**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
