Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
